There I was, living my little heterosexual life, minding my own business. I was ‘straight but supportive’ and walked in a few marches in solidarity. The usual you know.

‘I don’t care who you sleep with, I’m just very comfortable on my side of the fence’

‘Live and let live’

‘Rah rah equality’ – you know, all that shit

And then one day I realised the bloody gays had stolen the rainbow. How the fuck did that happen? It’s a natural phenomenon and now suddenly stripes of colour mean gay. So now the gays have:

Very pretty boys

Good hair

Fashion sense

Interior design skills

Loads more money cos they don’t have kids

Fabulous apartments

Zippy sports cars

And the rainbow? The RAINBOW

What next – a buff moffie prince charming knocking the princess out of the way to get to the equally buff butler, all while riding a gleaming unicorn, perhaps followed by a herd of pink dyed bunnies.

And what do we straights get? Men who have burping farting competitions while burning meat on the braai, remote control surgically attached to the hand not holding the beer. At best they will drive up in a clapped out old Cortina and hoot at the gate for us to come outside, scratching their balls while waiting. No bouncing hair reflecting the setting sun from atop a Pegasus for us!

Straights – we got shafted!

It is time to steal that rainbow back – it’s the thin edge of a slippery wedge (or something)